When I'm alone or with my likeminded buddies, I feel normal and content, even with the cranky back and lack of job and all of the other things a person could list to show how my life is bad. But when I'm with my family I feel like Roseanne, Rosie O'Donnell, and Ellen all rolled into one. I feel like a celebrity lesbian. A cantankerous one. But I'm not a lesbian, though my best friend is more of a boyfriend to me than my actual boyfriend is. And I'm not really always cantankerous, but around my family I have to bite my tongue around every thirty seconds to prevent myself from making cracks about Jesus, James Dobson, marriage, and about thirty other no-no topics. After awhile, I retreated to my bedroom in the shabby house to read Antigone, which I have to teach in a few weeks. At least I got my own room in the house--those married chumps had to share.
See, this is the problem. I don't really like being around married people yet. I may never like it. The idea of marriage is so completely repellent to me that I can't hear about how so and so's marriage is different and really great. Marriage to me is about ownership. Period. It's too rooted in yucky history and unavoidable archetypes to be about anything else. It is hard for me to spend 4 days with three married couples that I'm related to. I feel like either a freakshow, a loser, or a skank--sometimes all three at once. I don't blame any of my family for making me feel this way--I take full responsibility for my spleen. But man, it is harsh sometimes. Usually at restaurants where my mom always has to make sure that the couples are sitting next to each other is the worst. I stand there while she arranges everyone and then take the sad lonely single loser seat. The thing is, this isn't going to change. I'm never going to get freaking married. I did it and it's not for me. R. will never accompany me to any of these holiday nightmares if I can help it. Why would I subject him to that if I can barely stand it? And even if he did come, it would still be weird. He's old and foreign and will probably want to sleep in the same bed with me despite our lack of binding contract. They would have no idea what to do with him. My family is going to have to deal with my singleness forever. And, even more difficult, I'm going to have to deal with it forever too. I like being on my own, but it's hard in this world of nesting dolls.
This is the last year I do Christmas. I just decided. I'll visit family members individually because I actually like them all quite a lot as people, at least sometimes. Next Christmas I'm going on a yoga retreat or to England. Or maybe I'll just stay here with a bunch of whiskey and a pile of fifties melodramas. I already told them that I'm not going to the family reunion this summer. I'll be too busy with my own family reunion: my dog and I plan to hug a lot this summer after each of our separations. It's going to take up a lot of time.
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